How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb! It must have been THIS big!
Bert and Madge have been married for sixty years and still hold hands whenever they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple:
“When I let go, she’s off shopping.”
Silly ol’ Thing
My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that the house would be empty said to the driver, “He”s gone upstairs to tell my mother we are leaving.” Five minutes later, not knowing what my wife had said I exclaimed, “Sorry for the delay but the silly old thing was hiding behind the cupboard so she needed to be poked with a stick to bring her out.”
Death by two
Little Johnny was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbour looked over the fence and asked “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbour. Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Johnny said, “That”s because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat.”
A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly “BARK” at which point the cat ran off. “There, you see,” said the mother mouse to her baby, “that is why learning a foreign language is so important.”
Do you mind?
A man standing at a bus stop was eating his hamburger. Next to him, stood a lady with her little dog which became very excited at the smell of the mans supper and began whining and jumping up at him. “Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady. “Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. “Theres no room!” They said, “Its full!” “But you must let me on!” Shouted the man. “Why, whats so special about you?” they asked. He shouted, “Im the driver!”
Janet: What’s the difference between a cake and a school bus ?
Jill: I don’t know. What?
Janet: Well! I’m glad I didn’t send YOU to pick up my birthday cake !
“I’m giving a surprised birthday party for you.”
“A surprised birthday party? Whats that?”
“That is where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I’ll be surprised!”
29 lb Salmon
“I caught a twenty-nine pound salmon last week.”
“Were there any witnesses?”
“There sure were. If there hadn’t been, it would have been fifty pounds!”
A man was stopped by a game-warden at his car with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” the warden questioned. “Yes sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.” “Yeah right! Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.” “Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the man asked. “The FISH!” With a straight face the man asked, “What fish?”
A guy called up the hospital and said, “Send help! My wife is going into labor!”
The nurse said, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
He says, “No! this is her husband!”
A Scoutmaster decided to ask his troop what good deed one of them had done for the day: “Well, Skip,” asked the Scoutmaster, “how about you?” “Mom had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.”