Negotiating a trip home
Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home. Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”
“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”
Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”
The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal: “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of military activity.” The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he reached the ridge, he saw the sky speckled with aircraft. He pulled his binos and saw a squadron or two of planes heading their way.
“There are incoming planes, there are incoming planes!” he promptly radioed back.
“Friendlies or foe?” the commander demanded urgently.
The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky and radioed, “Uh, they must be friends… They’re flying close together.”
The good news about middle age is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
It’s a Killer
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat what you like. It’s obviously speaking English that kills you.
Not Gonna Do It
An eight year old boy is walking home from school in the rain when a car pulls over next to him. “If you get in,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.”
The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take “no” for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again, “How about $20 and a candy bar?” The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side of the road, “OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.”
The little boy stops, goes to the car, leans in and says, “Look Dad, you bought this ugly station wagon when everyone else was buying cool SUVs… Fine! But that doesn’t mean I have to be seen riding in it.”
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, observing all this, decided to find out what’s going on. He approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me, sir, may I help you with something?” The blind man says, “No, thanks. I’m just looking around.”
For the kid in you
Q. What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for school?
Q. Why did the egg hide?
A. Because he was a little chicken.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. He didn’t. That joke is old, man.
Q. Why didn’t the bunny go to the sock hop?
A. No bunny knows.
Q. What did the firefly say to the other firefly.
A. You glow, girl!
Q. Where did the sick boat go?
A. To his dock.
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn’t have the guts to do it.
Q. Why didn’t the Joker cross the road?
A. Because Batman was on the other side.
Andy: Do you want to hear my new construction joke?
Andy: Sorry, I’m still working on it.
Simon: What goes up but never comes down?
Simon: Your age!
Riddle: Imagine you are in a metal box. There is no way of getting out. It is soundproof so nobody can hear you.You have no tools, no food. How do you get out in order to survive?
Riddle: There was a boy and a doctor. The boy was the doctor’s son, but the doctor was not his dad. How can this be?