A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was. “39 and holding,” she replied. ”Well then, Grandma, how old would you be if you let go?”
Proof of Innocence
My friend sent me a text the other day. It said, “Have been arrested and they are charging me as being world’s ugliest man — come down to station at once and prove them wrong.”
The Right Place
Jenny went to buy some ice-cream at a baseball game’s 7th inning stretch. When she came back to her seat, she asked the man sitting on the end of the row, “Did I step on your shoes about 5 minutes ago?”
“You certainly did young lady.” Replied the man.
“Thank goodness — I’m in the right row then.”
The Thoughtful Wife
The wife of a prisoner complained to the jail warden that he was working her husband to death, especially since he was an innocent man, having wrongfully been found guilty.
“Ma’am,” the warden said, “he’s only washing dishes, why is that so hard?”
Surprised, the wife sharply replied, “That’s just like him, he told me he was digging tunnels!”
A couple was driving through the mountains of a national park, looking for a place to set up camp when they rounded a bend and spotted a beautiful vista with a long white waterfall, a sparkling lake below, blue sky above and majestic soaring trees lining the valley. The wife said, “Honey this scenery leaves me speechless!”
“Great! We’ll camp here!”
A Matter of Perspective
Which is better: Having a million dollars in your bank account, or having a bologna sandwich?
A bologna sandwich. Nothing is better than having a million dollars in your bank account and a bologna sandwich is better than nothing.
Question and Answer
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room?
A: Odor in the court!
Q: What do you call a ghost of someone who was a door to door salesperson?
A: A dead ringer.
Ellen: Why aren’t you using toothpaste?
Helen: Because my tooth isn’t loose.
Patient: Doc, I’m going to be honest with you — I am very nervous because this is my first operation.
Doctor: I know exactly how you feel — this is going to be my first operation as well!
Q. What’s a vampire’s favorite dog breed?