Exact Time

Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone 
operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact
 time. 

One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often. 
”I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” the man explained. “Every day I have 
to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct
 time.” “That’s funny,” the operator giggled. “All these years, we’ve been
 setting our clock by your whistle.”

Long Speech

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried 
away and talked for over two hours.

 Finally, he realized what he was doing.

“I’m sorry I talked so long,” he
 said. “I left my watch at home.”

 A voice from the back of the room said, “There’s a calendar right behind 
you!”

Types of Bears

A couple were vacationing in a national park. The wife expressed her
 concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more
 comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp, and to
 calm her concerns, they’d talk to the park ranger to see what the
 likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

 The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area
 so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.” 

The wife shrieked, “There’s TWO types of bears out here? How can you 
tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”

 The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy; see, if the bear CHASES you up a
 tree and it comes up after you, it’s a black bear. If it SHAKES the tree 
until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

Love and Marriage

My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten minutes, she turned to me and uttered, “But darling, if I were to agree with what you say, then we would both be in the wrong.”

«•»

My wife and I had words the other night — well, I had words, she had paragraphs.

«•»

Mr. Lockhart: You think I’m a perfect idiot, don’t you?
Mrs. Lockhart: I never said you were perfect.

«•»

Oscar and Maggie have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever they go out. When Oscar was asked about this, his reply was simple. “When I let go, she’s off shopping.”

«•»

A wife looks at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, “Oh, honey, I’m getting old. My hips are big, I have bags under my eyes, I have wrinkles and grey hairs…” She pauses, sighs and looks at him pleadingly. “Please, compliment me on something!” “Well.” her husband starts, “your eyesight is still good…”

«•»

Employee: My wife wants me to take a holiday tomorrow since the attic, garage and garden have to be cleaned.
Boss: Sorry I cannot give you a holiday tomorrow.
Employee: Thanks boss, I knew you would help me.

Little ChidrenLittle Children Tell the Truth

Doctor: Now, tell me Franz, what happened to you?
Franz: A German shepherd bit my finger!
Doctor: Which one?
Franz: The one Mr. Kaiser owns, two houses down.

«•»

Store clerk: Hey kid, this is a counterfeit $100 bill. You can’t buy anything with this!
Kid: I wasn’t trying to buy anything; Dad sent me in to break it for small bills.

«•»

 Dad: Joe, why are you eating all those chocolates so fast? Did you forget your sister wants some?
Joe: Oh no, sir! I remembered her! That’s why I’m eating so fast!

«•»

Grandson: Grandma, were you on Noah’s ark?
Grandma: No honey.
Grandson: Then how come you didn’t drown too?

«•»

Dad: What would you like to be when you grow up son?
Son: I want to be a garbage collector Dad.
Dad: What! A garbage collector of all professions! Why?
Son: Because I have seen them only work once a week.

«•»

Q: What device will find any obstacle in a dark room every time?
A: Your shinbone

«•»

Q: What is the definition of the early evening news?
A: It starts with the words “Good evening” then spends the next half hour telling you why it isn’t one.

Thirty-Eight is Enough

Ruby asked the Doctor the other day, “Do you think that I should have a child after 38?” The Doctor replied “No, 38 children are more than enough.”

If at first you don’t succeed…

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Help me doctor, I can’t help stealing things.” “Okay, take these pills twice a day for a week,” replied the doctor. “But what if they don’t work,” said the man. “Then get me a 60 inch plasma TV and we’ll call it even.”

 Posted by on 05/18/2012 Jokes, Just for Fun , ,  No Responses »