Feb 282012
 
Accounting ErrorAccounting Error

As a small business owner doing my own payroll, I accidentally overpaid my employee. The employee did not mention it. On the next paycheck, I deducted the exact amount that I had overpaid him. The employee came over and asked, “Why did you deduct money from my pay check?” I casually answered, “Because last week I accidentally overpaid you but, how come you didn’t come to me then?” The employee answered, “Well, one mistake I could overlook, but two? That I just could not let go.”

Worthy Bracelet

My daughter was jumping rope outside when she tripped and sprained her ankle. Thinking something might be broke, I rushed with her to the emergency room. When I was checking her in, the nurse asked for her wrist saying, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.” “Does it have diamonds on it?” she asked. “No,” the nurse replied with a smile, “but it costs just as much.”

Not Worth Repeating

A guy gets on a train and sits down next to a taller gentleman. He turned to him and asked him, “Hey, do you want to hear an accountant joke?” The big burly stranger straightened up a bit and replied, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m six foot three, 240 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And this guy sitting next to me is six foot four, 285 pounds, and he’s also an accountant and we both work for the IRS. Do you still want to tell that joke?” They guy calmly said, “Naw, I don’t want to have to explain it twice.”

New Driver
New Driver

My 16 year-old-son just got his drivers license, so I kept telling him, “Remember, when you get into your car with friends, do not start driving until everyone is strapped in.” He kept asking me to repeat it, so finally I asked him, “Why do you need it repeated so many times?” “Don’t worry,” he said, “I just love hearing the words ‘your car!’“

Almost

Last summer I was sitting on a jury for a trial of a woman accused of robbing a convenience store. There was not enough evidence to convict her, so we had to declare her not guilty. When the foreman announced, “Not guilty!” the defendant jumped to her feet and shouted, “Cool! Does that mean I get to keep all the cash?”

Ethics

I recently became a business partner with the owner of a small jewelry store. We were having a conversation about business ethics when he started making points and said to me, “Jerry, I’ll give you an example: This morning, a guy came in to buy a piece of jewelry for $85. He hands me a 100 dollar bill. As I am putting it in the register I see there are two 100 dollar bills stuck together. Now the question is, do I keep the extra or do I split it with my partner?!”

Rebounder

A mechanic called up one of his customers after a check bounced: “Hey mister, that check you gave me came back!” The customer replied, ”Well so did all my car problems that you fixed.”

A Vision to WorkCleaning Lady

Commuting two hours everyday with my new job, among other activities on my schedule, I decided to hire a cleaning lady. The day she arrived, I opened the door and saw a 85-year-old lady standing there. Well, I told her what to clean and where; she worked, but it wasn’t done that great. I asked her, “How do you keep your job?” She explained to me, “Normally I just keep clients who can’t see any better than I can.”

New Boyfriend

My daughter brought home her boyfriend from college to meet us; so in he walked for dinner one night. I was appalled by his mohawk, long billy goat beard, tattoos and facial piercings. After dinner was over and he left, she asked me, “So, what do you think?” I answered, “He doesn’t seem like that great of a guy.” “Oh please!” She says, “If he wasn’t that great, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?”

Good Percentage

While cutting an old gentleman’s hair at the Barbershop, he began to talk about his wife who had recently died: “We had forty happy years together,” he said. Then he added, “That ain’t too bad out of sixty.”

RancherTexan Ranches

Two Texas ranchers were sitting next to each other on a plane. One says to the other, “I have such a big ranch I could climb up in my truck and it would take me two days to get across the whole thing.” The other rancher turns back to him, relaxes a bit, sighs and replies, “Yep, I used to have a truck like that!”

Swindling News

Outside the train station a kid selling newspapers bellowed, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Five men swindled!” A man walks up and buys a paper. He begins to walk away but after opening it and skimming through it he comes back to the kid. “Hey kid, this is a paper from last week.” “Extra! Extra!” yells the boy, “Six men swindled!”

A New Robin Hood?

On a side street in Washington D.C. a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs and demanded quietly, “Give me your money.” The affluent man replied with a huff, “You can’t do this to me — I’m a United States congressman!” 
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me BACK MY money.”

Guessing Game

Working in the tower for a small, rural airfield, I was doing the night shift when I asked for an incoming cessna to identify itself. The radio crackled and I heard a young voice request permission to approach and land. Again I asked for identification, and he replied, “Guess who?” I turned off the runway lights and said, “Guess where.”

No Elephants Allowed

On a beach in Africa is a sign that says, “No elephants allowed on the beach.” Not being from Africa, I asked a local why this is so. He told me, “Because everyone knows that elephants can’t keep their trunks up.”

Dentist’s BillDentist

When I went to the dentist last week, he told me that he had to pull one of my teeth. I asked him how much was it going to cost? He replied, “$480.”
 I said “‘$480!?’ It only takes two minutes!” He smiled and replied, “I could make it take a lot longer if you want.”

 Posted by on 02/28/2012 Jokes, Just for Fun , , ,  Add comments